I've been writing and writing since I got home from the Voices of 2014 launch, and although I've published every day since you wouldn't know the half of what I've written because when it comes to hitting publish all of a sudden I'm paralysed.
Somehow I feel watched in a way that I've never felt the entire (almost) five years that I've been blogging, longer if you count the mournful poetry I used to write on MySpace. It's such a strange paradox that I can sit here ready to thrust the minutiae of my mind out into the world yet the thought that someone is out there reading, well it isn't real. In a way that's because I can count many of my readers as friends, that's right stick around here for any length of time and you'll be absorbed into my Little life.
This little blog started out as a wedding blog, an outlet for my interests, fears and frustrations while I planned and re-planned our wedding. It morphed and changed into whatever you call this space now. It's brought me some gorgeous friends and developed a passion for documenting that I had no idea existed within me. It's also brought with it moments of self doubt and times where comparison sucked the soul out of me, when I wasn't sure if this was for me.
Except of course when you're a Blogger with a capital B, it's under your skin and you wouldn't know how to stop if you tried. It's an aspect of my existence as intrinsic as the offline interactions that I have every day, I'm pretty sure stopping would make me mourn as much as losing a friend, or several really. There are lives I am privileged to be a part of only because of this little space, they've turned me away from being incredibly cynical about people to really loving what wonderfully strange and complex things we humans are.
While I've been busy these last years creating this space here it has been slowly working and creating change in me. For the longest part of my life when I walked into a room I would know 'these are not my people' the places where I felt free to be myself were rare. But to walk into this virtual room and be exactly as I am, I know that those who stay and become part of this space and my story are my people. As my blog has grown so has my joy in meeting and getting to know new people, the anxiety that I do not fit has slowly become irrelevant. The differences between all of us are celebrated in a way in the blogging world that has afforded me the freedom to be myself just as I am and to let go of the concern of being judged.
So I'm not going to be sharing my clunky recap of last weekends events, suffice to say they were wonderful, eye opening and thoroughly exhausting. But sharing a blow by blow account of my late flights and gurgling anxious stomach, meeting awesome people, being inspired and sure of myself, and looking pretty hot at the cocktail party (if I do say so myself), just isn't what needs to be said right now.